Shalzed With Argentinian President Javier Milei
Shalzed is a superhero who tried and failed to use his powers to achieve human rights. Now he speaks with individuals whose views he disagrees with, to persuade and understand. For his full bio, click here.
Today he tracks down Argentinian President Javier Milei. Argentina was recently the only country to vote against a UN Resolution to end violence against women and girls, and opposes the United Nations working for sustainable development around the globe. Links to press coverage and speeches give sources for what Milei says.
Sneaking onto the tarmac and up the stairs onto Tango Uno at Palm Beach International Airport was remarkably easy, and I helped myself to some of El Presidente’s delicious beef empanadas during my wait. A lot of times Milei flies commercial, and I give him credit for it. Cuts down emissions, saves money, and most important maybe even takes the ego down a notch. But I’m glad this time he’s on his personal plane. Commercial and I’d have to spend 10 hours stuck together with him in a metal tube, this way I can at least get off before he heads back to South America.
When some limousines pulled up outside I did my best to rearrange the empanadas on the serving platter all nice so it wouldn’t be obvious that I’d taken at least three. Okay, four or five. He’d probably notice, but if I’m lucky not until I was off the plane.
“Why are you here?” Milei demanded as soon as he got up the stairs into the plane. Two tall guys wearing snazzy suit jackets and sunglasses with discreet little head pieces in their ears came around him and cheaded towards me. Not very smart to come so close together down the single aisle of a 757. If I wanted to take them out I could do them both at the same time, no problem.
“What’s it say?” I asked Milei. I gestured towards a fancy pin on his suit lapel I hadn’t seen before.
“Mi presidente favorito,” he answered, looking a bit sheepish. The two goons were almost at my aisle, so I gave them a glance. Milei said something in Spanish and they stopped a few seats away.
“Where did you get it? Bowling ally vending machine?” I asked.
“Not quite. And I think it’s 14 karat.”
“Don’t tell me you’ve just been to see the man?”
“No, I only go to Mar-a-Lago for golfing.”
“Surprised you find it a challenge,” I told him. “I heard that so Trump never gets frustrated they reduced each hole to just nine yards.”
The second goon asked Milei something in Spanish, and Milei replied. I wish I had done more Duolingo so I could understand what they were saying. Both the guards sat down, sitting backwards with their knees on the seats so they could still see me. I assume Milei told them to relax.
“So what brings you here?” Milei asked. “It can’t be to kill me, because then I’d already be dead. I know you’ve never been able to master patience.”
“You’ll be happy to hear I gave up on that stuff. Now I just want to know why. After all, It was 170-1.”
“With 13 abstentions,” he added.
“That still doesn’t explain why you wanted Argentina to be the only country in the world voting against a resolution to prevent violence against women and girls.”
“I’m all for protecting women and girls, and you know it.” He gave me the same how-dare-you-accuse-me look he and the guy that owns Mar-a-lago have perfected for the media. “I just believe in protecting the fundamental freedoms of all other people too.”
“You mean like the freedom to photoshop your ex’s head onto the body of a porn star?”
“I never knew you had such a sick imagination,” he said. “The resolution used terms like hate speech and misinformation. It’s too vague. I’m a nice guy, but a president who didn’t like someone could use laws like that to shut down anything.”
“That can’t be the reason you voted no,” I said. “You know it’s non-binding and wouldn’t have required Argentina to pass any specific laws. It was just your way of giving the world a middle finger.”
“Not at all,” he replied. “I was just standing up for my convictions. Maybe you could even try it sometime. It feels good.”
I know bullshit when I see it, but in this case I’d probably even be able to smell it all the way from Buenos Aires. “You just hate the UN, don’t you? You can’t stand the thought of an international organization promoting peace and human rights.”
Now he looked angry. But I guess what I just said was about the same as telling Sherlock Holmes you just nominated Dr. Moriarty for the Nobel peace prize. “I’m the biggest human rights guy on the planet,” Milei said back.
I’m not going to take that from anyone, let alone someone who has already used his power as President to shut down three tv stations and is in the habit of mailing folks he doesn’t like pictures of Green Ford Falcons with no license plates, the kind of car Argentina’s government used to use to abduct people and then toss them off an airplane into a river. “I’m the biggest human rights guy on the planet,” I told him as I tapped my right hand against my chest. “Don’t you ever forget that.”
Some more men in suits came up the stairs into the airplane and stopped behind Milei. They said something in Spanish, probably wondering what was going on. “We will take off with this imposter on board, then toss him into a river,” Milei replied in English so I would understand. The men looked like they were sizing me up. I wondered if some of them didn’t even recognize me. That hurt.
“The UN was a big success when it was used as a forum for countries to solve their disputes through dialogue instead of war,” Milei said.
“But now that it’s trying to protect women from online harassment it has become a multi-tentacled Leviathon?” I asked.
“Exactly.” His face brightened. “Now the UN is just a bunch of international bureaucrats imposing their way of life on the rest of the world.”
“You mean like trying to fight for women’s rights, eradicate poverty, stop climate change, horrible stuff like that?”
One of the guards sitting a couple rows ahead of me gave their distinguished president an impatient look. Maybe they were already sick of listening to his anti-UN speeches also. “Exactly,” Milei said. “That’s not their job. The role of women is something that each country and culture should define on its own. No international organization should tell developing countries how to run their economies. . .”
“Yeah, especially since they’re already doing so great at it themselves,” I interrupted before he could really get going on his high horse.
“Letting UN councils and commissions tell people what to do will just make things worse,” he said. “Anything besides a forum for discussion is a violation of national sovereignty.”
“So you oppose all the goals for sustainable development? Health care, clean energy, and access to education are all bad by you?”
“Countries are supposed to do all that. We don’t need the idiots in New York and Geneva to bud in.”
“And if a country oppresses women, pollutes the oceans, and won’t cooperate on climate change everyone else should just stand idly by?”
A man wearing a white shirt with a fancy patch on the shoulder, blue tie, and flat hat came up behind Milei. He asked him something, I didn’t know what but I heard lots of numbers. One to ten in Spanish I could understand. “The pilot says since the plane’s air conditioning is on if we don’t take off soon we’ll need to refuel,” Milei told me.
“And I thought that was your barber trying to finally get you to cut your hair.” Even though Argentina had hyperinflation you’d still think their President would be able to afford not to go around looking like he hadn’t had a haircut in a year.
“I meant it’s time for you to get off this airplane.” Milei put his hands on his hips, and the two guards close to me stood.
“Fine,” I said, raising my hands in the air.
“Lots of that environmental stuff is just made up anyway. And science will solve problems and help us adapt,” Milei said. Guys like him always want the last word. He motioned me towards the stairs by the plane’s tail.
I scooted into the aisle and started walking slowly towards the back. I was kind of disappointed, because if he let me go out the front I would have taken another empanada. “I agree it’s wrong for the UN to single out Israel and put Venezualia on the Human Rights Council,” I said over my shoulder. I can’t remember who it was that told me to try to focus on what we have in common. My teacher in kindergarten, or was five years old too young for that?
Before I was halfway down the stairs one of the guards started closing the airplane’s door. I stood by the terminal to watch the plane take off. I wondered if maybe as long as I was in Palm Beach I should also make a trip over to Mar-a-Lago to drop in on the man. Nah, he wouldn’t give someone like me one of those fancy gold pins.